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by classic



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Genderqueer Character, Jewish Character, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Period-Typical Homophobia, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 04:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4420970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classic/pseuds/classic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snapshots of Bucky's life through ages as he goes through periods of time trying to understand himself, with a little help from friends along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home

        Bucky was seven when his older sister had her Bat Mitzvah. A small family event was all their parents could afford, but his sister was pleased and that was all that really mattered. She received envelops of money, sweets and pastries and a brand new dress. But what interested Bucky the most were the oddly shaped tubes and flat rectangles that came in neatly wrapped packages from their aunt.  
        His sister dubbed it makeup and he watched in fascination as she learned to apply the powders and creams and pin her dark curls up in increasingly elaborate styles. Bucky liked to imagine how is he might look with pin curls or pleated hair. He thinks if he were allowed to grow his hair out long and apply a little rouge to his cheeks and lips he might just look as pretty as his sister. Even at seven Bucky knew it was wrong to imagine himself made up like a dame, but he just couldn't shake the thought from his head.

 

        Bucky grew up quickly. With four sisters and a father who couldn’t work because of an old war wound and no proper education, he and his mother had to fight to keep food on the table. By the time he was 15 he was working two jobs, his shoulders were broad and muscles thick from the physical work he did day in and day out. When he stood next to Steve people tried not to laugh at the contrast. Bucky looked like a man, that was sure, but he felt like Steve was more of a man than he could ever be. Bucky couldn’t even stand up to his own father, whose resentment of his only son often got the best of him; but Steve was always fighting for what was right, sticking out and making his voice heard even when he was too small to be noticed.  
        Steve was the first person Bucky told about his interest in women’s things. He was shaking when he tried to tell him and spoke so softly Steve could hardly understand him. After his confession they had sat in silence for a few minutes while Bucky cursed every single ancestor all the way up to Abraham for making him this way. Queer and too stupid to keep his mouth shut about it. Just as he was about to backtrack and make a joke to blow the whole thing off, Steve closed the distance between them. Steve kissed like it was what God put him on the earth to do, like it was the last thing he was ever going to do and the first thing he ever wanted to do. Steven Grant Rogers was the bravest person Bucky knew.

 

        Bucky and Steve moved into the smallest apartment in all of Brooklyn. Steve started art school with a sizable scholarship and paid for books by selling some of his old work. Bucky pretended as though he wasn’t disappointed that he wouldn’t get to follow Steve to college. His parents were already paying for his older sister’s typing class and Bucky had never been attentive enough in school to get accepted with his grades.  
       Steve had expected to learn about color, light and composition; but he hadn’t expected to also learn about the not so underground gay community. On quiet evenings Steve would get Bucky to sit still so he could make up his face with watercolors, pastels, and some borrowed mascara. Steve would tell Bucky about some of the bars he went to with classmates. Women and Men could wear whatever they wanted and could kiss whomever they wanted. Bucky warned him against frequenting places like that. Steve got beaten up every few weeks just on the assumption, Bucky worried what could happen if one of his bullies got wind that little Stevie from down the road really was queer. After months of pleading, Bucky came with him. For the first time Bucky felt completely unashamed and proud of who he was.

 

        Bucky loved Steve. He knew this years before he was given his uniform and assigned his orders, but for some reason he was never able to actually speak the words until the day it became a very real possibility he would never see his love again. Steve promised over and over that he would join him in Europe once he was able to scam the right doctor into letting him pass the physical, but they both knew it wasn’t happening. When Bucky finally told him that he loved him, Steve held on to him almost painfully tight and dared him not to come back. Bucky was a protector. He protected his family from poverty, he protected Steve from himself, and his natural instinct would be to protect his fellow troops in war. Steve knew this, knew that if the situation called for it, Bucky would throw himself into danger to protect someone else and it terrified him.

 

        War wasn’t unlike growing up in Brooklyn with Polio running rampant. No one got any sleep, there was never enough to eat and they were all sure that their next day would be their last. The men all joked and poked and fun at each other when they had down time. Some days it was enough to make him forget where he was, but nothing could keep him from missing Steve. He told the other men Steve was his brother because no one talked about boys back home unless they were related. The others told stories about their gals and would boast when one would send them a picture. Every once in a while a kid would receive a few dirty photos from someone with a sense of humor and they would all sit around and comment lewdly on the stimulating images of women lying prostrate. But even among all this there were men who were different, men who were like Bucky. Men who would look Bucky up and down like he was the prettiest broad at the ball and let him know he knew someplace private around the back of barracks. Bucky felt like a coward when he reminded them nowhere was private in war. He felt like a coward but he told himself he was just waiting for Steve, just like the other men were waiting for their dames back home.

 

       Steve was the same man, just huge. His chest didn’t rattle when he ran anymore, his eyesight was perfect, he could take a bullet like he used to be able to take a punch, and everyone looked at Steve like Bucky had always looked Steve. Steve still looked at Bucky like he hung the moon.

 

 

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       Bucky believed he was no longer James Buchanan Barnes, he was the Soldier. The Soldier who spent half a century using Bucky’s body to kill and maim and do Hydra’s bidding. The Soldier deserved to be punished and so when Steve found him some time after their first encounter he hoped that the Soldier would finally get what was coming to him; he didn’t expect Steve to sob over Bucky’s broken body, hold him to his chest and make promises he couldn’t keep. Bucky remained cloistered in the room had been given at the home of Steve’s friend. The home was too nice, Steve’s friend too nice, the sheets too nice, the food too nice and yet it all made him sick. He sat in wait for the inevitable punishment, from either Steve or his handlers.  
      Bucky had been shattered into a thousand pieces and it took a small army of doctors, surgeons, psychologists, and physical therapists to sweep up the shards and reassemble him back into something resembling the man he once was, but some pieces were lost forever. Days passed and still couldn’t remember his own name, weeks passed and he couldn’t stand to be in the same room with Steve, months passed and he still flinched at every raised hand. It was a long and arduous road to recovery for everyone involved but eventually Bucky was Bucky again. He joked with Steve and Sam, attended parties at Avengers tower and even pulled pranks with Natasha. He remembered random details of his past but the majority of it was fuzzy and he often asked Steve for clarification. So far Bucky didn’t seem to remember being what a few psychologists had told Steve was called transgender or nonbinary, and until Bucky brought it up himself it was best to avoid the topic all together as to not confuse him. It frustrated Steve to no end that Bucky couldn't remember something that had made him so uniquely Bucky.

 

       Years after Steve and Sam found Bucky the Avengers offered him a field position to join them on regular missions. Although he had hoped for quite a while that this opportunity would be afforded to him he was no longer sure he actually wanted it. He talked it over with Sam first, not wanting to disappoint Steve with his doubts. Sam reminded Bucky that he was still in the process of figuring himself out in the 21st century and that it might be healthier to do that in a different environment. He told him that he had been given a second chance, and even though Steve had chosen to go right back to war, Bucky had no obligation to anyone anymore. He was completely free to chose. For some reason this led Bucky to applying to a small community college in New York. If he was going to figure himself out, college was a good a place as any.  
       Natasha chose all of his classes since he claimed he was mostly going for the experience and not for educational purposes. He didn’t even look at his schedule until the first day of school and had to ask Natasha what the hell was Gender and Women’s Studies and wasn't surprised when she responded with a simple, what the hell does it sound like, Barnes? It took less than a week in the class for him to start arguing Feminist theory with Natasha and purchase a shirt with the slogan 'cinnamon rolls not gender roles' and another for Steve saying 'down with the patriarchy'. Bucky became slowly more comfortable in his own skin and accepting of his own body. He had friends at school that offered him an entirely different viewpoint on life than he had ever known.

 

      During the winter break Bucky asked Steve to go to the store with him. He needed some more pens and batteries for his calculator. He paused when they passed the make up and looked up at Steve sheepishly. He asked Steve to help him choose the best colors for his skin tone and the other man did so without a second of hesitation. If Bucky remembered that he used to like make up maybe some day he would remember that he used to love Steve.


End file.
